AVE YOU EVER HEARD THE WORDS “It’s not you; it’s me”? Or how about, “You’re weird; you just don’t fit in”? Or perhaps, “You just don’t belong in this church”? If you have, you’ve experienced rejection.
Rejection is something we’ve all faced from time to time. But when a peer group, your church family, or a member of the opposite sex has rejected you, it can be especially hurtful.
We all have a desire to belong. The need for attachment is one of our most basic needs and develops early in infancy. As we grow, that need expands beyond our parents to include friends, social groups, and members of the opposite sex. Some relationships develop easily, while others are difficult to maintain. When a relationship doesn’t work out, you may find yourself asking the questions “Why?” and “What’s wrong with me?”
Rejection is difficult to cope with because of the messages it appears to convey: you are inadequate, you are disliked, you don’t measure up, you did something wrong. Reality, however, is much more complex than this.
The Personal Side
Jason,* a college student, came to counseling expressing extreme self-doubt after his girlfriend of two years ended her relationship with him so she could date his best friend. “How could I have missed this?” he asked. “We were supposed to get married, but I just ended up losing two people I loved. What’s wrong with me?”
The loss of romantic love can be the most painful rejection of all. When you choose to love someone, you believe that person loves you in return. You believe they have the best intentions toward you, and you trust them to remain faithful to your relationship. Sadly, the nearly record-high divorce rate in our country—and in our churches—begs to differ.
Amber, a 17-year-old academy student, recalls being rejected by the popular girls at her school. “It was horrible the way they teased me about my looks. They said I was a geek, that I didn’t wear the right clothes. They made fun of everything I did.” This led Amber to withdraw from school, and afterward she struggled for months with depression and self-doubt. Unfortunately, depression and low self-esteem can sometimes be the result of a painful rejection. These may also lead to isolation and a development of an irrational fear of rejection—which causes a person not to seek out other relationships because they are fearful of getting hurt again. When someone is rejected during their adolescent years it can be a particularly brutal experience, because teenagers are looking for social acceptance and are attempting to form their own identity apart from their parents.
Elizabeth, a single mom, recalls when she first attended a new church with her attention-challenged son. “They did not want to deal with my son,” she said. “Because he wasn’t perfect, they didn’t want to include him in outings or children’s activities.” Elizabeth said she was deeply hurt by people she expected would be supportive and Christlike.
Wounds from being rejected by someone in the church can take the most time to heal. Why? Because the church should be a safe place where people find emotional and spiritual safety. When it isn’t, people leave deeply hurt and may not return for years, if ever. Upon close examination, however, when asked how the “church” wounded them, people are more apt to refer to a specific person who offended them. In Elizabeth’s case, she may have been offended by someone who made a rude and judgmental comment, treated her son as if he were not “perfect” enough to attend the church, or ignored the family’s needs.
Getting Past the Pain
No matter what kind of rejection you have experienced, there are some simple steps you can take to get past the hurt and pain:
1. Know you are not alone. Isaiah 53:3 tells us Christ “was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.” Jesus knows what you are going through. While on earth He was rejected by His own people and family. So be assured that He accepts you for who you are and that you need not be perfect to come to Him. Pray to Him during periods of loneliness. Ask Him to send you the Holy Spirit as your Comforter.
2. Don’t take it personally. Rejection is often less about the person being rejected and more about the person doing the rejecting. Put yourself in that person’s shoes. Ask yourself why they might be acting the way they are or saying hurtful things. Perhaps they are jealous or insecure. They may be trying to build themselves up by putting others down. Or maybe they’re well-meaning but simply don’t understand the situation.
3. Learn from it. Rejection may give you the opportunity to do some self-evaluation. Examine whether you need to improve your social skills or refrain from some bad habits. Consider asking a friend to honestly evaluate the encounter you had with the other person and give you feedback. Maybe you “came on too strong” or didn’t make your intentions clear.
4. Don’t isolate yourself. It is easy for someone who
has been rejected to isolate themselves. As you nurse your wounds, don’t make the situation worse by telling yourself that every experience will end up the same way. Such self-talk can produce a fear of rejection that could paralyze you from taking a chance again. Remember, God created us for a relationship with Him and others. Ask Him to give you the courage to try again.
5. Stay healthy. If someone rejected you because of your weight, you might have the inclination to eat excessively to comfort yourself or to show them they were right about you. You might also restrict your intake so much that you develop an eating disorder. Neither one of these options is healthy. It’s very important to eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, and drink lots of water. These simple lifestyle behaviors may help combat feelings of depression you experience as a result of feeling rejected.
6. Focus on the positive. Instead of focusing on your rejection, make a list of occasions when others accepted you for who you are. Our memories often dwell on things negative: if you have trouble with this, ask friends and family for help. Also, learn to build on your strengths. If you’re musical, athletic, or humorous, know that people will naturally be attracted to the things about you that you yourself feel most confident about.
7. Remember who determines your worth. Keep in mind that people have neither the right nor the ability to judge your value and worth as a person. God determines your value, not others. Jeremiah 1:5 reassures that God knew you and set you apart even before you were born. You are precious in His eyes; He loves you. So when you feel hurt and rejected, allow Him to heal you.
Coping with rejection and getting past the hurt isn’t easy, but it can be done. Learn from the experience—and move on. Don’t let it paralyze you or make you bitter. It’s hard to be vulnerable again knowing you may get hurt, but Romans 8:15-17 tells us: “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship . . . in order that we may also share in his glory.”
Don’t be afraid to take a chance with people again. This time you just might find what you are looking for.
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*Names have been changed. Stories were used with permission.
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Lyris Bacchus, MS, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in the Orlando area.